Deena Drake, San Diego Aikikai
When I first read the call for submissions for writings on what it means to be a committed martial artist, I had no intention of adding my voice to the discussion. I thought that any of the Birankai Shihan – Gloria, Lorraine, Kristina, or Lizzy could all do a much better job than I representing the female perspective (Lizzy is even a published writer!) and honestly, in comparison I’ve only been training a fraction of the time they have. What could I possibly have to offer anyone? Any yet, as I sit here in my home with nothing to do since the day someone drove their van through the front wall of San Diego Aikikai earlier this week, I realize aikido is a piece of my everyday life, that I feel incomplete without my daily trip to the dojo, and that I truly have committed my life to this practice.
When I was twenty-six years old I walked into an aikido dojo for the first time and immediately fell in love with the art. I can’t remember exactly what my my first thoughts were upon witnessing Mike Flynn in action but I know I was hooked. Within a couple of months I was training six days a week. Very quickly aikido became the central focus of my life.
Aikido has driven almost every life decision I’ve made over the last 17 years. I chose a career specifically so that I could support myself while training as a kenshusei for almost ten years. I chose another career so that I could afford to run a dojo. I’ve lost relationships over aikido, spent countless dollars on seminars and camps, sustained serious injuries, and I’ve never regretted any of it. Perhaps living life as a committed martial artist entails a certain amount of foolishness or stubbornness, probably both. Fortunately, I seem to have an over-abundance of each one.
Recently I’ve been talking about Chiba Sensei’s five pillars of practice with my kenshusei and have been emphasizing the first pillar of openness. Without being open to the training or the process, none of the other pillars develop. A student may walk into the dojo with inherent liveliness but never develop true connectedness to others due to their lack of open-heartedness. Some people have told me that the most important task for me as a teacher is to continue my own practice and while I wholehearted agree with that statement in principle, I truly believe my greatest task or challenge is to stay open. As a teacher as well as a student of aikido, I have to stay open to every crazy possibility/opportunity the Universe presents me. Over the years, I’ve had many internal conversations (arguments really) that included thoughts like:
“I’ll push myself by becoming a kenshusei, but that’s as far as I’m willing to go.”
“I’ll try one sesshin, but that’s it”.
“Our relationship can withstand me spending nine months in San Diego.”
“I really should go to Rohatsu.”
“I’ll just be in San Diego for one year, two tops.”
“Ichikukai can’t be that difficult.”
“If no one else will do it, I’ll take over the dojo so Sensei can retire.”
“Maybe it’s time I started a kenshusei program.”
Sometimes I get so exhausted by the demands of my schedule that I want to weep and rage but these are the choices I’ve made and while I suffer at times for them I experience great joy as well. Each decision I’ve made has taken me further along the path, deepened my commitment, opened me more until eventually there was no separation between life on the mat and outside the dojo. This is my life.
I push my students to be open, to drop their fears and egos through the practice of aikido, zazen, and misogi. Open up, more open, stay open! Who am I to demand such things? One definition of sensei is one who has gone before, therefore I must commit myself as a martial artist to staying open or risk becoming a hypocrite. I must stay open to challenges, training outside of my comfort zone, open to change, open to being wrong and making mistakes, open to embracing both joy and suffering, and ultimately open to letting go. For me, being a committed martial artist is just another way of saying I am trying to live my life mindfully and with an open heart, nothing more.
Editor’s note: Drake Sensei wrote this essay in 2011 in response to Chiba Sensei’s request to the certified teachers to write on the subject of what it means to be a committed martial artist. January 1st of this year she was promoted to shihan. She is truly a committed martial artist