By the Kamiza

Erika Mennella, Desert Aikikai

Near the end of 2024, I was looking to get back into practicing Aikido. The last time I trained was when I first entered college for a couple of semesters in an Aikido style that wasn’t Birankai. I fondly remember my time then on the mat and always felt something was missing since graduating. During my time off the mat, a hole slowly developed from residual micro cracks my body subconsciously held and stored since I was little. Working constantly through the pandemic and never really having the time to contact friends, nor the energy to do activities for myself didn’t really help. I was exhausted. I wanted change, and something for myself to do to keep moving forward and that is what led me back to Aikido.

After a discussion with my father, who pointed out one dojo that was close to home and had a female instructor that trained with weapons, which he thought was cool and would be good for me to learn, I sent an email. At the dojo Suzanne Gonzales-Webb Sensei greeted me and introduced me to the other dojo members. They were warm, strong, and kind, each student with their own personality, and for some odd reason some with the same first name, which I had to try to not to mix up. We bowed in and warmed up. After the warmup, we started with weapons and she brought out a bokken, which I wasn’t really prepared for, but took to learn. After a few classes and learning some movements and strikes, hearing the blade cutting the air that came from one of my classmate’s weapon, I was hooked.

After a couple of months training, switching between weapons and body arts, Webb Sensei mentioned Birankai has a summer camp every year in June. At first, I was unsure about going to camp but decided that no matter what I wanted to go.

Originally, when I first started learning about weapons I heard fond stories about Chiba Sensei from Webb Sensei. I watched videos online of him at various times in his life practicing and teaching Aikido. I spoke and thought of him in the present tense and was eager to get the chance to meet him. I wanted to ask him for more stories of Aikido, see how his Aikido has changed, introduce myself as Webb Sensei’s student and say thank you to him. I hadn’t put two and two together until I saw a video of Chiba Sensei’s last words and heard an aikido podcaster, who spoke of his teacher who passed on. Finally, the black and white picture on Birankai’s summer camp flyer made sense – it was not just a stylistic choice that fit against the tan background.

I was sad when I learned this news as I realized I would not get the chance to know Chiba Sensei. But after some contemplation I understood that he is not truly gone, but always with us. His love and affection for Aikido is now inside every student and instructor who had the honor to be beside him and learn from him when he was alive. I get to see him every day on the mat through my teacher’s Aikido.

At Camp

Unranked, training since February, feeling prepared… that was my first thought… until the first class. I enthusiastically followed one of my dojo mates to the front near the kamiza. We sat in seiza in the front row on the far right. Ok I got this. First bow to the kamiza. 

Second bow to the instructor, wait a minute… stopping mid bow, in my peripheral vision I saw my dojo mate sitting straight, and the few that were next to me bowed. 

Third bow. Wait… There’s a third bow? I followed as everyone bowed.

After warmups, I heard the clap and instantly went to the corner sat down in seiza. As I blinked to look up to see the technique the uke was already thrown. I missed it.

Clap! I looked up—oh no, hakama all around, little to no white belts and I did not see my dojo mate or Webb Sensei. I needed to find a partner quickly, I bowed to someone near the front, not knowing what the technique was. He offered his hands. “Well, I guess I’ll just find out” I thought. I placed my palms on his wrists. Breathed in and took ukemi. Shook, I got up to reach for his wrists again. Back on the ground again, I got up. Now it’s my turn, I extended my wrists, he grabbed, but instantly my mind went blank, and I stared at my partner, letting him know I did not see the technique. As he tried to show me…

Clap! Next technique. I was overwhelmed with everyone throwing right next to each other and slapping the mat so loudly. What is this pace?

Clap! Next partner. Try to look, Erika. Wait, why is there so much atemi? Why so many extra turns? What technique is this? 

Clap! I try to keep up, I still am confused with the technique.

Clap! I’m not able to keep up, the pace is too fast. 

Clap! Finally, I was with a partner who looked friendly and wore a hakama. I was overwhelmed and silent, but as she raised her arms, I held on for dear life. I rolled back. I grabbed again, but as I fell my body wasn’t ready and I twisted too much on my knee, straining my calf. 

Clap! Line up, bow out, bow to partners.

First class is over and there’s a break. I got up dazed, traumatized and shivering like a wet puppy after its first bath. 

Welcome to Camp. 

As I got up, I saw my Sensei and she gave me a brief hug. I didn’t really register why she did, but I was just so happy to see a friendly face. Exhausted, I drank water, gathered my breath, and got back to line up for the second class. This time, not so near the front.

Saturday, Deena Drake Sensei’s class… My body had recovered from the previous day. We bowed and Deena Sensei started to show the technique. Wait, I recognize this technique! It was one that I used to do a lot when I was in college. I enthusiastically bowed to my partner. I eagerly grabbed his wrists and took the ukemi. I got up and reached for his wrists again. As I rolled, I jumped up and bounced to my feet in happiness. Instantly, joy filled my brain and heart. I sat down and offered my hand, beckoning him to reach for my wrist and grab my other hand. One technique after another the technique familiarity made me smile nonstop, Another technique was shown that I knew. This time, I trained with another white belt who was unsure about the technique. I sat down and offered my hand, reassuring her with, “You got this, let’s go!” I threw her, and as we switched, I eagerly took ukemi.

As I gathered my thoughts during a break, I thought to myself, “Am I dead?” The happiness I felt from seeing techniques I remember… I was in heaven on the mat. The hole in my heart was filling, making my body whole. After the classes ended, I approached Drake Sensei to say thank you and politely asked if it was OK to give her a hug. She said it was OK, which meant a lot to me.

At the farewell party, I was lucky to win two items. A set of Zen books that I look forward to making circles in my mind contemplating about nothing, and a bokken, I will forever welcome as a new training partner to practice with and take care of.

Back home 

The day after camp ended, I awoke, back home to 115-degree, sweltering Arizona desert heat. I began processing what I had just experienced. An uncontrollable wave of emotion and overwhelming sense of belonging and joy hit me as tears started to run down my face. My stomach was growling, but I felt full. After the wave subsided, I gathered myself to get up to clear my nose and hazy eyes. I ate a donut to muster the energy to create this article that Cecilia Ramos Sensei kindly asked me to write on my experience being at camp for the first time and in participating in a memorial seminar with Birankai.

As I reach the end of this article, I kindly offer a visual on my experience. 

Clear elusive wisps of air and dust settle in front of the kamiza. Standing, head held straight towards the sky, hands by my sides, thumbs exposed. My left leg slides back, not too far back nor too close. Left knee on the ground. Right knee follows. Back straight down, heels up and toes bent kneeling in seiza, feet turn flat, left big toe on top of the right. My left hand slides down my leg, fingers together, palm flattens as it reaches the ground. Right hand follows meeting the left making an arrow in front of my knees pointing to the front. Slowly as my forehead bends down, heaven to earth, I raise my head that was briefly rooted. Hands part, right then left rises, lightly settling on my thighs. A smile. 

To the many that came before me, that taught here on earth, and are now up in heaven, meeting long lost friends to train on the mat in the sky… clouds gather as they meet, rain follows, rumbling thunder can be heard from their slaps… finally, lighting shoots down like a crying prayer to those back on earth, beckoning them to keep up their practice, to keep going, and to just show up on the mat… I write this message:

“To T.K. Chiba Shihan, to O Sensei, to Hombu dojo, to my teachers, and dojo mates, to my first teacher, to my father, and to those whom I had the honor and pleasure to speak with, to meet, to eat with, to sit with, to clean with, to pin, to throw, to do weapons with, to receive ukemi, and to learn from at camp, I humbly open my mind, my heart, my ears, my eyes, my arms. I offer emotional and moral support to anyone to reach out to me and stay connected. My palms will be open, waiting to receive and initiate. Until next year and for many more, may we meet off and on the mat. May we have another day up front by the kamiza to the left of the line. This was truly a great experience I will always keep with me. Thank you. Always.”

Erika Mennella