Lynne Ballew, San Diego Aikikai
In Judaism, it is believed a person dies twice. The first time is when they pass away; the second time is when the last person that knew them utters their name for the last time. It is nice to have this opportunity to keep Sensei alive by speaking his name and sharing my knowledge of him with others.
I have already told all my interesting stories about my time with Sensei either over beers, at firepits, in my jacuzzi filled with kenshusei, in Liese Klein’s book The Life-Giving Sword, or in Biran. What I have not shared are the things he said or wrote to me or said in class.
I still use several phrases that he used to say on the mat or that he wrote to me. “Stay you are” was his grammatically incorrect way of saying “freeze” so that he could catch us in the moment right before we were about to err in our training. He would use the phrase, then come over and try to get us to do it correctly. I love using this on the mat when I am helping a beginner with footwork; it is a chance for me to cherish this memory of him and at the same time honor him by spreading his art. “Stay you are” . . . I miss that.
His letters to me are very much still with me. I read them to help me with my training and to remember him by. This excerpt, from a letter he wrote me in 1994, was shared by Sensei with our community at the 1995 President’s Day seminar in Berkeley. I had asked him about overcoming fear, and he made my question, with my consent, the topic of a discussion he held at the seminar. I share it here, quoted from the original without corrections, hoping that what he wrote to me will help others keep his art alive:
“Having yourself fear is nothing wrong but only natural things to be. Actually it is quite healthy thing to have fear. However, you have to use it creatively and with positive attitude. Having fear often makes you blind and lose ability to respond to the situation properly, or often resulting yourself withdrawn from the situation where you victimize yourself to the situation.
The martial way to deal with the fear is to recognize it as instinctive and natural, and further use it as a tool to discipline your system where you are enable to respond to the situation awake and harmoniously without yourself being victimized. The fear is an important tool to bring about your awareness to higher dimension, if it is treated properly. If there is no fear every living creature in this universe would have been perished.
Please keep working here & now with the presence mind. When you grab someone’s wrist for an example that is all you have in this whole world here & now.”
At the seminar, he summarized his advice to me by saying in order to overcome fear on the mat, “. . . Just grab.” This is another phrase I hold onto dearly when I am on the mat. I have also translated it to “ . . . just attack” so that I can use it as part of my weapons practice.
Sensei used to say that when you least feel like going to the dojo is the time that it is most important to go. It rings true to me, and I try to follow that advice. He also would advise us to teach what you most need to work on yourself when you are teaching class. Teaching randori addressed this recommendation for me, as well as allowing me to face my fears.
I like his references to finding yourself or expressing yourself in your technique by using the phrase “the Lynneness in your aikido.” I found it in body arts, but am still searching for it in weapons.
I miss him, with all his faults and his fabulous teachings and nature, every day, even after ten years. I keep him alive by practicing what he shared with me and remembering his words.
This article originally appeared in Remembering Chiba Sensei, the chapbook given out at Summer Camp 2025.