{"id":1929,"date":"2018-02-25T23:16:13","date_gmt":"2018-02-26T04:16:13","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/biran.birankai.org\/?p=1929"},"modified":"2018-04-23T09:18:00","modified_gmt":"2018-04-23T13:18:00","slug":"when-what-you-love-kills-you","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/biran.birankai.org\/?p=1929","title":{"rendered":"When What You Love Kills You"},"content":{"rendered":"
<\/div>\n

By Nathalie Daux, Fox Valley Aikikai<\/a><\/p>\n

It started almost one year ago with an injury from an idiot who never apologized. That<\/i> was the beginning of everything.<\/p>\n

The injury and everything afterward brought me to my knees physically and mentally. And I am lucky to have been forced to my knees. I\u2019m lucky to have been so broken and so hurt. I\u2019m lucky because I was forced into asking myself the question: what do you do when what you love kills you, breaks you apart?<\/p>\n

\"pic3\"<\/a><\/p>\n

And I found the answer.<\/p>\n

You don\u2019t keep going.<\/p>\n

I\u2019m a busybody. Meaning that I really don\u2019t like to stop moving. At all. Ever. I write, I make yoga videos, I workout, I train in my Aikido (a martial art), I do homework, etc. You name it and I do it. I don\u2019t like to sit still and do nothing even if<\/i> it is for relaxing. Or at least I didn\u2019t use to.<\/p>\n

There isn\u2019t too much a problem with this. Not by itself at least. The problem comes when you look at my perfectionist habits and my mental health problems. Because I tied my eating disorder, my depression, and any measure of self-worth to my Aikido, my physical activities, and the amount of words I wrote in a day I was setting myself up to crash and burn. I was setting myself up to be injured.<\/p>\n

Now, I\u2019m not saying the injury I sustained was my fault because it wasn\u2019t. I am saying that if it hadn\u2019t been this person, it would have still happened somewhere. I was pushing my body too hard on too little. And this is not sustainable. But I was acting like it was as so many of us do because it is one of my passions. I wasn\u2019t going to stop, not for a day not for a week. Taking time off from it was the same as burning down the White House, traitorous and worthy of punishment. The same went for my running. And my writing. No days off. No rest from it. No space. Just keep pushing through.<\/p>\n

Until I received my elbow injury, all wrapped up in a nice little bow of KT tape, braces, and red warning tape. And then, not a week later, while angrily trying to run for some crazy consecutive day in a row on a weak knee I sustained my knee injury. I sat at my desk frustrated that I could not do anything physical that wouldn\u2019t hurt me. So I started writing. Admittedly, I forced it too hard. Within another week I had begun to burn out.<\/p>\n

\"pic1\"<\/a><\/p>\n

Boy, everything sure was awful when I couldn\u2019t work out and couldn\u2019t write.<\/p>\n

Of course, I didn\u2019t stop. Having encountered injuries before, I kept pushing. And pushing. And pushing assuming that one day I would push through. Except things kept getting worse. Two months after my injury, I started doing Aikido again, running, and writing full tilt. And it tore me apart. My body and mind were in a terrible state.<\/p>\n

One night, after a fit of frustrated tears, I asked the aforementioned question: what do you do when what you love kills you, breaks you apart?<\/p>\n

You stop.<\/p>\n

\"pic2\"<\/a><\/p>\n

Yep, you heard me. You stop and you acknowledge that you have hit a red light in your life and if you don\u2019t stop, something will stop you (injury, mental breakdown, etc).<\/p>\n

Then what?<\/p>\n

Well, then you do the hard part (as if stopping isn\u2019t hard enough). You prioritize.<\/p>\n

And there is A LOT<\/b> to prioritize.<\/p>\n

Let\u2019s take a look.<\/p>\n

1. Injury<\/b><\/p>\n

The very first thing you prioritize is your injury or injuries. In this case, I had to go to the doctor, hear all about my ligament damage, and then head on over to physical therapy. It also meant that I had to slow down and take time off. My physical therapist hammered it into that no, I could not jump right back in and yes, I would have setbacks for probably another year.<\/p>\n

2. Rebuilding myself<\/b><\/p>\n

I had to rebuild everything about myself. My knee issue required a lot of different cross-training, wonky stretches, and patience. Because of previous diet issues, I had to focus on proper nutrition, higher levels of protein, and again, a lot of patience. Before I headed back full time to my writing, my Aikido, and my passion I had to build myself up first so that my passions could be sustainable. And that meant putting in a lot<\/i><\/b> of work physically and mentally.<\/p>\n

3. Myself<\/b><\/p>\n

This is not selfish. It is not selfish to put your health first.<\/b> There\u2019s a stigma around taking time off for yourself whether it is for mental health or physical health. People expect that no matter what your dilemma is, you will be around to continue doing what you\u2019re doing. It is OKAY<\/b> to take time off to heal yourself.<\/p>\n

Stepping away from something you love hurts. It\u2019s not comfortable, it makes you feel like you aren\u2019t being true to yourself, and it\u2019s scary. It does<\/i> put a lot of responsibility on you. Suddenly, your health is all in your hands and that\u2019s daunting.<\/p>\n

But it\u2019s not just about martial arts and running and writing. It\u2019s about life. If you\u2019re broken, in one way or another, take time away from the thing that is hurting you. Ultimately you may find you can never return but more likely than not, you\u2019ll return to what you love with a deeper passion for it. It won\u2019t be the same as it used to. That doesn\u2019t mean that it will be worse. It will be better.<\/p>\n

So please, if you have something that is broken about you, don\u2019t push through for your passions, for something you love. Step away. Heal. Unpopular opinion: if something hurts you, stop. Figure it out. And return healthy<\/b>.<\/p>\n

Nathalie Daux, 23 has trained at Fox Valley Aikikai for 15 years. Throughout her years of training, Aikido has earned a very special place in her heart. She intends to train for as long as she is alive and breathing.\u00a0<\/i><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

By Nathalie Daux, Fox Valley Aikikai It started almost one year ago with an injury from an idiot who never apologized. That was the beginning of everything. The injury and everything afterward brought me to my knees physically and mentally. And I am lucky to have been forced to my knees. I\u2019m lucky to have … <\/p>\n

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